At
that moment, a red telephone box appears from the skies, amid a blinding
flash of light. The door opens, and a group of people, clad in assorted
historical dress, spill out. Two figures emerge to the front of the group;
One, a man with a determined air about him, and good hair. He is wearing
an overcoat and a suit, with a striped tie. The other has unkempt hair,
and is wearing sneakers, some long shorts, and a 1998 Rangers top with
'DURRANT 10' on the back.
As the crowd goes crazy, the first figure speaks; "Good Evening, Glasgow Thistle !!!!" (raucous cheers from the audience) "Are you ready to ROCK ???" "I am Richard Advocaat" The other speaks.. "And I am Theodore E Bear", (together) "and we are" (musical intro) " THE TORONTO CENTRAL RANGERS SUPPORTERS' CLUB" "We've gathered together some of the greatest dudes in history, to tell us who they think is the greatest ever Ranger" It now becomes clear who the figures are - Billy the Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Joan of Arc, Genghis Khan and Abraham Lincoln.
The crowd continues to cheer. They are silenced by a shot ringing out, and Billy the Kid walks to the front of the stage, emerging from the dry ice. "Well, I'd like to thank Dick and Ted for bringing me here this evening. Y'know, all these years on and people still call me kid. They like to remember me when I was at my best. I remember sitting in a saloon, and these people were coming up to me saying Wyatt Earp's in town. Wyatt Earp I says, I'll Wyatt Earp him, and sure enough the smell of nutmeg was everywhere as I showed him who was boss. Yep, in some people's minds I'll always be the kid. My Favourite Ranger ? Jim Baxter."
Crowd goes wild. Ted steps forward and introduces the next guest; "Yo, dudes. This Dude may look like a relic from the '70's Leeds United team, but please welcome, one of the finest minds in History, a man who set the standard for culture, I give you;.SOCRATES (he pronounces it So-craits)"
The Greek philosopher steps forward. Earnestly,
he discourses on the true meaning of culture He talks about Bobby Russell,
Ray Wilkins and Trevor Steven (first time round)., and dismisses the four-pass
theory as the work of Barbarians. He produces and ancient parchment which
he shows to the crowd. Those lucky enough to be in the front rows start
up the chant, and as he leaves the stage, the great philosopher is singing
at the top of his voice "He's Blue, He's white, he's F***ing dynamite,
Iain Durrant, Iain Durrant"
Ted steps forward. "Thanks, Socrates Dude. Y'know, I like your white togs and all, but you could do with getting some colour on there, maybe think about a sponsor;.Glasgow Moathouse, are you ready " (Cheers) " are you ready for the father of modern psychology. Please put your hands together for Sigmund Freud"
As the smoke clears, a figure looking rather like Broxy Bear is lying on a couch. Freud sits next to the couch, listening intently, and making occasional notes. After a while, he reaches his conclusion;
"Ladies and Gentlemen" Ve have here a classic case of penis envy. The goalkeeper watches the striker thrust forward and complete his strokes, leaving the net bulging. He must not allow this to happen, by not allowing the penetration, he castrates the forward, thus emphasising his own virility". I give you, the greatest ever Ranger, Andy Goram;"
The mascot removes his fake head and reveals himself as The Goalie. The crowd goes mad. The tabloid writers chase after Freud, chequebooks at the ready.